Un-Controllable Carter?

2 Disclaimers to this post:

1 - It is going to be long, I know this before even writing, which means its going to be REALLY long. (So, come back and read later if you don't have much time....)

2 - I am NOT writing this looking for sympathy or saying "poor me" because I KNOW that many of you have been through FAR more stressful and scary times than this. This is just me exploring a new-found perspective on some of the past year's events.

Tonight I had Bible study, just like every Monday night. Tonight, however, I did not even LOOK at my study ahead of time. I just kept busy, and didn't do it, no good excuse to offer...just didn't happen. The study was on God's strength and God giving us strength. As we went around the room taking turns reading the passages and answering related questions, I was feeling kind of off in space. Then came my turn, my question, which wasn't centered around a particular passage, just a personal question: "How has God shown you his strength in this past year? Are there any particular events or circumstances where you had to rely on his strength?"

I read the question out loud and suddenly I got that warm, about-to-cry kind of feeling. In a matter of seconds the last 12 months or so swirled about in my head. Did all of that really happen in just the last year?! Am I really over a YEAR out from the beginning of all of this?! And So I began. I began going over what was suddenly in my head. A new perspective on the events of the past year:

I have never had a situation in my life that I could not in some way control. I knew God, trusted God, said "God is in control" but never had a situation that I could not take control of, or feel that I was in control of. Then, on July 11 2008 I was slammed into one. I found out at 20 weeks pregnant that there was a problem with my pregnancy that could potentially pose a long list of problems to my Son. My mind raced and my heart raced and I silently went crazy. I had my Son growing inside of me, I couldn't touch him, could barely feel him, and there was something wrong. I couldn't change what was wrong, I couldn't do anything to fix it, it just was. ALL that I could do to "fix" it was pray. I was SCREAMING inside (and a little on the outside as well). So, we prayed and prayed and prayed (like we should have been doing all along). We lived week to week praying continuously and checking up on Carter at each Ultrasound.

Thankfully although the cord defect was there and not changeable, Carter was fine. We were given a long list of possible outcomes still. All of these FAR less scary than the original list, and still none that we could do anything to prevent at this point, but Pray. I spent 18 weeks of my life in a situation that I could NOT control no matter how hard I tried or how badly I wanted to. Carter was born healthy and had only very minimal effects from the cord defect. This was through no strength of my own, this was not something I had achieved. There was NO credit to be given to me, Dave or even the doctors. All any of us were doing was monitoring a situation.

Carter had 2 growths on his bladder and Kidney we found out 24 hours after his birth. And so the deep breath I had taken after he was born soon turned into internal SCREAMING. This was particularly terrifying for Dave and I, given recent events in my family. The growths were already there, there was nothing I could do to make them go away, I was IMMEDIATELY without control, AGAIN. So back to prayer. This was something we wouldn't even be able to research into more for 6 weeks we were told. The screams got louder. How was I going to live for 6 weeks with a big unknown in my life/in my son's abdomen? I prayed to God for Carter's health, and I began to pray for my own well-being. I knew already that 6 weeks of unknown would mean I would stress every minute of every day for 6 weeks.

We were about to leave the hospital and the doctor came in and said we'd have to stay a little longer because Carter was Jaundice. A common problem, I know, but I was about to my limit as it were with my lack-of-control. We watched and waited, woke him every 2 hours to eat, monitored his diapers. PRAYED. He didn't get better, but he didn't get worse, so we were able to bring him home. We were in the doctor's office every-other day for 3 weeks, just WAITING for the Jaundice to get better. Checking, re-checking. Every single thing the dr's said to do, we did. We were just NOT in control of this either. Finally, it started to improve, and Dave and I took a deep breath, a sigh of relief and Prayed. Thanking God for this one small mile-stone.

Then, a couple of weeks later he stopped keeping food down. Suddenly he was throwing up everything, and SCREAMING at the top of his lungs, rolling his eyes around and just not doing well. He was already on a medicine for reflux, but this was something different. At 5:00 in the morning I was on the phone with the doctor. He saw us at 7:00, explained a few different things it could be, and sent us straight to the hospital to investigate. Okay God. Here I am again, not in control. We sorted things out at the hospital, found that an allergy was the likely culprit of the throwing up, etc. After a very sleep deprived and stress filled week things began to straighten out and we breathed another sigh of relief.

Just days later, Jordan got sick. She had Bronchitis and we were told to keep her AWAY from the baby as much as possible. Well, we tried our best, but by the time we had her into the Dr's office, she had already been contagious. I knew immediately this was beyond my control. AGAIN. But boy did I try. Dave took off of work, we kept Carter upstairs and Jordan downstairs. I "Lysol Bombed" every surface, and neither of us touched a child without first washing our hands all the way up to the elbows. I did more laundry and cleaning in those 3 days than I normally did in a WEEK. Carter got sick. So, within the walls of ANOTHER hospital, AGAIN, I was without control. I tried my best, my human nature was fighting with everything. I questioned every test, fought with a few doctors and tried to control the situation. I even told them to let me go home, I was sure he was fine. He was indeed NOT fine. He had RSV, and so now I was not so silently going crazy. The RSV seemd to go on forever. It got worse before it got better.

While my brain tried to comprehend and control the situation, my heart wanted to rest and let God be my strength. My brain would go over and over again what I could have done to prevent any part of the past month and a half's events from happening, blaming myself and trying to figure out a logical way to fix it. My brain went to the thoughts of, "this is not what was supposed to happen. Things are NOT supposed to be this difficult." I spent my days and nights trying to control the uncontrollable. Even on the good days, I allowed myself little joy, remembering there was still our big "unknown" growing on Carter's bladder/kidney and all of the what-ifs of that came flooding in again.

Carter was behind of vaccinations, he was behind on doing the little "mile-marker" things an infant does. It didn't matter how straight my house was, how together I appeared, how well behaved Jordan was, or how many nights a week I put dinner on the table. It didn't matter how many hours I sat and rocked him, how long I nursed him or WHAT I did. I had NO control. Nothing I did helped.

Finally we made it to our appointment at Children's to re-check his "growths" he'd had at birth. The doctor's could not figure out why we were there, there was NOTHING to be seen on his renal ultrasound. NOTHING. And we breathed a sigh of relief, and Thanked God for being in control the entire time.

There have, of course, been other incidences with Carter in the past year. We were at my parents' for 2 weeks because he couldn't seem to breathe in our house during construction. He has the ear infections that just won't quit, and we are still struggling a bit with reflux/digestion. All of this was happening while the world continued to go on around us. Jordan grew and developed and played and laughed, she was a huge source of Joy. Nothing stood still so that I could get back in control. Yet somehow I was not stressed beyond what I could handle.

In the past year I have learned that God lets us think sometimes that we are in control. God lets us think that we are strong, but we aren't. We are nothing but thoughts without his strength. My thoughts accomplished NOTHING. My worry just created more worry. Everything I did to "control" my situation was in vain.

When I look back on the past 12 months, when I look at my mind-set now vs. then, I suddenly see an amazing development in myself. I can see that my Son is okay, and that has nothing to do with anything I've done except Pray. I see that I now have the ability to let go of control of my life. I now am able to look at a situation, breathe, and realize that God has a purpose for this and He will get us through it the way that he intends. God used that stressful time in my life to help me to realize that I am stronger with Him than I EVER could be alone. If I didn't have him to lean on, to pray to, and to cry to most times, I would not have gotten through that season. I think that up until that point in my life, acknowledging that I NEEDED someone, God even, seemed to me like a weakness. God forced me to realize that needing him and allowing him to be in control, gave me strength. I was weak, He made me strong.